Question:

Is Judaism an all-or-nothing deal? I can’t see myself ever becoming religious, but I have started to incorporate Jewish spirituality into my life. If I get more involved in Judaism, will I have to change my entire lifestyle? Is there no grey area in between being totally religious and being totally secular?

Answer:

Welcome to the grey area. That’s where the Jewish soul finds itself. We don’t identify ourselves as either religious or secular. That division is an artificial one, completely foreign to Judaism. In fact, biblical Hebrew does not have a word for “religious”, and there was never such a category in Jewish life.

Rather than boxing people into religious or secular, the Jewish view differentiates between two other categories: those who are growing in their spiritual life, and those who aren’t. We are either souls alive, or souls asleep.

In matters of the soul, more important than how high you have reached is how far you have moved. And you’d be surprised; someone who may look very holy could actually be completely stagnant in this struggle, and someone who you may have labelled as secular is in fact a spiritual hero.

One person may pray every day, while another prays only once a week. But the first prayed every day all his life, while the second guy never prayed before at all. One has taken a step forward, while the other is just treading water. Who is achieving more?

In truth, we don’t know. To compare one person’s spiritual level to someone else’s is impossible and pointless. But we do have to compare our own spiritual level today to what we were yesterday. Whether we pray daily, weekly, or not at all, we each have to ask ourselves, Am I on the way up in my soul development, on the way down, or just cruising?

Forget about becoming religious. Just become a soul alive. The Jewish challenge for all of us is to live and grow in that shifting grey area, where my today is higher than my yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better.

Question:

I am a strong believer in the value of charity. But I can’t see how it is important to give money to a shule. There are homeless people and starving children, so why should I give money so people can just gather together to pray and hear a rabbi’s speech? Isn’t that a luxury in comparison?

Why do you care that there are homeless people? What’s it your business? Are they members of your own family that you should be concerned about them? And who’s children are starving? Yours? If not, why is it your problem? Why should you feel responsible for someone else’s child? What is it that makes you care for the needs of others?

It is certainly not logic that drives you to help others. If anything it is illogical to just give away hard earned money to someone who you don’t even know. Neither is it human nature that demands we care for a stranger. And there is no legal obligation to share your wealth with others. So what pushes you to do it?

The answer: values. You have values, principles of right and wrong, good and bad that direct your life and demand that you behave a certain way. You don’t give charity because it makes sense, or because you instinctively feel the urge to give, or because the law demands you to. You give charity because it is moral, it is right, it is good to help those who are in need.

But where do your morals come from? What is the source of the value of charity? The Torah. It was the Hebrew Bible that proclaimed that our income is only partly ours. A tenth of it doesn’t belong to us at all, but is given us on loan, to distribute to worthy causes. The Hebrew word for charity is Tzedakah, meaning justice. The Jewish tradition saw charity not as a noble act of generosity, but as a moral act of justice. To give is simply the right thing to do.

You have a wonderful sense of values. But values do not live in a vacuum. To survive and spread, values need institutions in which they can be fostered and taught. That is the function of a shule. A shule is where values are taught and lived. By joining a community we become sensitised to the needs of others, as we come into contact with people outside of our immediate circle of family and friends. By hearing the Torah reading and studying its messages, values are shared and passed down.

You need to give Tzedakah to feed the poor and shelter the homeless. But you also need to ensure that the very value of Tzedakah itself is not homeless, and that your children should never suffer from moral poverty. That’s why we need shules. Because values need a home too.

Question:

Can you tell me in simple terms what a soul is? What does it actually mean to have a soul? And how do we know we have one?

Answer:

Have you ever met identical twins? There’s something amazing about them. Not only do they look alike, they both have exactly the same genetic makeup, they share the same birthday, grew up in the same family with the same parents, and had almost the same experiences. And yet, they are not the same. They are each individuals, with different personalities, abilities and character.

But why? What makes them different? In both nature and nurture they are the same. While of course they didn’t have exactly the same experiences, their lives are usually similar enough. And yet they are different people. Parents of twins report seeing clear differences in their children from birth or soon after. And friends of one twin may not find much in common with the other. Why?

The answer is: the soul. They each have a soul, and every soul is completely unique. No two souls are alike, and even two people with the same genes and the same family have different souls. And your soul is the true you, deeper than any other factor that makes up your persona, deeper than both nature and nurture.

Here we have a definition of soul: the deepest layer of your identity that makes you unique. Your soul is your essence, the you behind everything else. It is your core, the raw material upon which all other layers of your identity are placed. Your soul remains beyond the reach of any external influence, including your parents, your upbringing, your surroundings and your experiences. It is the real you.
That’s why no matter what you have gone through in your life, no matter what type of life you have led until now, you can decide today that you want to change for the better, and you can do it. Because you have a soul that remains untouched by the outside world, and if you choose to live according to your soul rather than according to world opinion, nothing can stop you.

Your soul is yours, it is you, and it is free.

Question:

Rabbi, I just wanted to thank you again for your support to our family after the loss of my grandmother. You helped ease the pain of what was a very sad period.

One question I had is about the traditional words of consolation said to mourners:

“May G-d comfort you together with the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

What exactly is the consolation in those words? How does comparing the loss of a loved one to the destruction of Jerusalem by the Romans two thousand years ago make me feel any better?

Answer:

There are several parallels between the fall of Jerusalem and the passing of a soul. By contemplating these similarities, the mourners can find a profound message of hope in the midst of sorrow.

Although the destruction of Jerusalem primarily affected those who actually lived there, nevertheless it was a national tragedy. All Jews, including those who lived far from Jerusalem, were deeply pained at the loss of their sanctuary. The mourning stretched far beyond the city limits of Jerusalem. And this gave strength and courage to the Jerusalemites, knowing that the entire Jewish people was together with them, feeling their pain.

So too, although it is the family that is mourning for their loss, the entire community shares in their sorrow at the passing of one of our own. This is comfort in knowing that your sorrow is being shared by your people. You’re not alone.

It’s been almost two thousand years since the destruction, and we still mourn for the loss of Jerusalem. But the Jewish people has never lost hope that the Temple in Jerusalem will one day be rebuilt. We cry for the loss, but we remain hopeful that very soon what we have lost will be returned to us.

In a similar way, we mourn the loss of our loved ones, but we have faith that we will one day be reunited with them. Our prophets have promised that the dead will come back to life when the Messiah comes, and we will all meet again. This is comfort in knowing that the separation, as painful as it is, is only temporary. It isn’t forever.

But it goes even deeper. While the Romans were able to destroy the buildings of Jerusalem, they could never destroy its spirit and inner holiness. No enemy can destroy the soul of Jerusalem, and even today it remains the Holy City.

So too, death can only take away the body, the physical persona. But the soul lives on. Even after their passing, our loved ones are with us in spirit. They give us strength when we face challenges, and they smile with us when we celebrate. While we can no longer see them, we can sense their presence. This is comfort in knowing that we are never really apart. They’re still with us.

None of this denies the pain and sorrow of death. But it may take the edge off that pain to know that, like Jerusalem, the soul has eternal powers that even death can’t conquer.

May we soon see the rebuilding of the Temple in Jerusalem, together with all those holy souls on high, reunited at last.

Question:

A certain individual has been disrespectful to a parent – the adult child feels that since they said sorry that is enough. But it was a very general apology and they did not take responsibility for their actions. The parent accepted the apology, but is still very hurt. The adult child believes their parent is acting “infantile” (the parent is 83 years old.) What can I say to get across to the adult child the importance of working this situation through?

Answer:

An apology has two distinct parts: saying sorry and asking for forgiveness.

When we say, “I am sorry,” we are making a statement about ourselves – I am remorseful, I regret my actions, and I hope not to repeat them.

But an apology is not just about you and your feelings. It is about the person you hurt as well. You don’t apologize just to absolve yourself from guilt, but more to acknowledge that you are the cause of someone else’s pain, and take responsibility for it. For this you must do more than say sorry; you must ask for forgiveness.

This means that even if you are in the right and actually did nothing wrong, even if the other person misinterpreted your words or actions, even if you have nothing to regret, nevertheless if someone else is hurting – perhaps mistakenly – you need to apologize. You are not asking forgiveness for what you have done, you are asking forgiveness for any pain you may have caused.

If it were just some stranger on the street that you had hurt, then it would suffice to genuinely say sorry and move on. But this is a parent. You only have one set of parents, and you don’t have them forever. Whether they were the greatest parents in the world or not, they went through a lot for you. They deserve respect. Give it to them before it is too late.

I’ve found myself going out on many many dates and I’m wondering if I’m being too fussy. I’m waiting to meet someone and get a good feeling about him, and of course have things in common, good chats, and similar long term goals. I’ve been out with a few different guys and they’re all lovely, but I haven’t had that feeling that I’m expecting. I want to like someone and be interested in seeing him more and more. Is that unrealistic?

Your lack of that feeling could come from two possible sources:

1. Him
2. You

You may feel nothing because the guy is just not for you. There are some really nice guys out there, but they are not all for you, and so if you meet someone, and they’re nice and everything, but after talking and meeting and trying a few times it just goes nowhere, it could be that he just isn’t the right one.

But not necessarily. It could happen that you meet a guy who really is for you, but feelings still don’t come. You may feel nothing because your heart has withdrawn and become skeptical and over-cautious. Years of dating, previous failed relationships, losing hope, getting older – all these things conspire to block feelings that would otherwise come easily.

I don’t know what applies to you and what doesn’t. But there is only one way to find out. You have to take risks. I don’t mean irresponsible risks, like throwing yourself blindly into a relationship. I mean that if you meet a guy who has all the right ingredients, whose values and character fit the bill, who is truly a good guy, a nice person, a mensch, and is serious about finding a relationship, then for such a guy you should take the risk.
The risk means sharing your heart a little and risking being hurt, opening up a bit and perhaps wasting your time, giving of yourself and investing in a relationship that may or may not work. But maybe, just maybe, your heart will open and you will feel what you need to feel to know that this is the one.

If you try that, if you have honestly put yourself on a limb and risked it, and still nothing happens, then you can be pretty sure the problem is him – he may be a wonderful person, but he’s not for you. But if you don’t try risking it, if you keep your heart protected, then you will never get hurt, but you will also never know – maybe he’s the one, maybe it’s just you? And if it is, then it won’t matter who the him is, because the you will always be you.

I wish you well, and don’t forget to keep praying – that G-d should bring you the right one, and He should open your heart to recognize him.

Question:

I have a question that perhaps you could try and answer (I know it would definitely help a few ladies that I know).

Our bodies were made to have children. However there are many women who struggle to fall pregnant and therefore there is such anxiety and stress associated with falling pregnant. Why is it that some couples struggle to fall pregnant for months and years, if this is something that we were naturally made to do?

Answer:

This is an important question, and one that pains many.

The truth is that there is nothing natural about childbirth. Every time is a miracle. Just look into the reproductive process and you will realise that to create life is a supernatural thing. So it’s not surprising that it can sometimes be difficult. In fact, the surprising thing is that sometimes it isn’t. Every child that is born is a wonder.

It is this way for a reason. If childbirth was always predictable, easy and automatic, then we would lose the sense of the miraculous. Having a child would be as routine as buying a pet. We would take it for granted that when we want children we can just have them. We would forget that a child is a gift from G-d, not a choice we made.

We know this from very early in our history. The very first Jewish family almost didn’t survive beyond one generation – Abraham and Sarah were barren for decades, only to be blessed with a son, Isaac, in their old age. This was to teach us that we should never take anything for granted – even our own existence.

This may sound disheartening to those who are yet to be blessed with children. But I think it is a message of hope. Every birth is a miracle. So even when the laws of nature seem stacked against you, there’s no need for concern. The laws of nature have little to do with childbirth.
There have been amazing advances in fertility treatments in recent years. Make every effort possible, and do all you can. But remember, in the end, it’s all miraculous anyway.

Question:

I tell my nine year old son that people who work hard will progress in life and have what they need. Now I have a dilemma. There is a new electronic game which costs $499 plus megabucks for each game. His cousin has one, his friends have it but we have no intention of buying him one. We don’t have the money, and anyway it is not one of our priorities – there are far better things he could do with his time than play violent video games. He does everything properly, listens to us, puts in the effort at school and is now devastated that he has done it all and cannot have what he wants. How will I explain it to him?

Answer:

You have in front of you a wonderful parenting opportunity. It is a chance to teach your child two vital truths: that he can’t have everything, and that he can’t always understand why.

The idea that kids needs to understand the rationale behind every one of their parents’ decisions is ludicrous. If children were capable of understanding their parents every motive, then children could be parents themselves. It is precisely their inability to appreciate why not every whim and fancy must be fed that makes them children. The parents’ job is to set boundaries, and that means sometimes the answer is just no.

When a parent lays down the law and gives a clear no, they are doing a great favor for their child. Because their child will learn an important life lesson – you don’t always get what you want. Sometimes it seems unfair, sometimes it seems to be without any justification, but it happens, and it happens to everyone, and it happens throughout your life – there are things you want and you can’t have.

Sadly, many children are not taught this. Their parents give them everything they want. And then when they grow older they are shocked that the rest of the world doesn’t do the same. These are the adults who think that their spouse, their friends, their country and G-d should all be giving them whatever they ask for. If only they were taught as kids that you can’t have it all, they would be accepting of this as adults.

Your son deserves to be rewarded for his good behaviour and hard work, but perhaps that reward need not be the one he wants. It isn’t easy, but it is far better to endure the tantrum of a disappointed child for a few days than to have a spoilt child who will remain a spoilt child for a lifetime. Like King Solomon said, “Train the child in his way, so that when he is older he will not stray from it”. Today he will be upset, but one day he will thank you.

Question:

I am fascinated by the Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneersohn. He has touched so many lives, and even now 14 years after his passing he has the power to inspire. Can you sum up what his philosophy was all about?

Answer:

I once read a correspondence the Rebbe had with a man who was questioning his own life’s purpose. He wrote to the Rebbe saying that for his entire adult life he had been searching for the reason for his existence. He had discussed this with every wise person he had ever come across, read every book on meaning and purpose he could find, and he had travelled to faraway places to seek the guidance and insight of some of the greatest spiritual leaders, but no one had ever been able to tell him what his purpose was. “So now,” he wrote, “I am turning to the Rebbe for his insight. Can you tell me what my purpose in life is?”

I was excited when I read the question. What answer would the Rebbe offer to the ultimate question we all ask? This wisest of sages, with the keenest insight into human nature and the workings of the universe, how would he respond to the most fundamental question of all – why am I here?

I was disappointed by the answer.

The Rebbe responded:

By the time you figure out what your mission is, you will have no time to fulfil it. So just get on with it.

When I read this I was confused. What type of an answer is that?! Here you have a guy asking what his mission is, and the Rebbe responds by saying forget about what your mission is and just do it. Well, how are you supposed to do that? You can’t give someone a job without a job description and tell them to get on with their work!

But in time I have come to appreciate the extraordinarily simple wisdom in the Rebbe’s response, something that reflects his entire approach to life.

We can spend a lifetime philosophising about the meaning of life, pondering our purpose in the universe, and miss out on actually living. I may not know why I am here, I may never know, but one thing I do know: Today I was given another day of life, and along with that I was given many opportunities to do good.

We can’t afford the luxury of self-absorbed soul searching. Not that we shouldn’t think about life. Just we mustn’t be drowned in our own thoughts and never get around to doing anything. Life is too short for that.

My life’s purpose – I’m not sure. But today’s purpose I can know just be opening my eyes. Who around me needs my help? How can I improve the little corner of the world that I live in? How can I edge the world towards goodness today? What can I do, no matter how small, to bring smiles to faces and hope to hearts in need?

This is the depth of the Rebbe’s advice: Do more acts of goodness, and your life’s purpose will unravel before you, one day at a time.

Question:

My life has fallen apart. My husband left me, I have been kicked out of my home and my career is over. And now I am losing my faith too. I used to believe so strongly, but now my thinking has changed. Was I deluded to think that G-d would help me?

Answer:

I feel for you in what must be a huge test of your character. Your whole world has been shattered to pieces. Just to get up in the morning and face the day must take mammoth strength.

There is a name for your situation. The Kabbalists call it Ayin Baemtza – “transitional nothingness.”
Between any two states of being lies an intermediary state of nonbeing. Like a seed that must become a tree, it first decomposes, nullifies itself and rots into oblivion. Just as it reaches the verge of complete nonexistence, the seed starts to sprout and reinvents itself into a new being. Only by losing its being as a seed and becoming nothing, can it reach a new being, a greater being, as a tree.
It has to be this way. To truly reinvent oneself, there must be a true and complete break from the past, a real nothingness, to make room for the new self to emerge.

You are presently going through an Ayin Baemtza stage in your life. The life that was is gone, the life that will be is yet to blossom, and you are left in a big black hole of confusion, pain and darkness. That is a very hard place to be. Because everyone knows that transitional nothingness is just a temporary state, a step between two stages in life. Everyone knows that except the one who is going through it themselves. For you the nothingness is real. It is hard – maybe impossible – for you to see any bright future ahead.

So what can you do to survive the transitional nothingness? What will keep you going until you transform into the you of tomorrow?

In your state of nothingness you need to hold on to something higher than yourself. Now, you need faith, not philosophy. Say to yourself: My life is in disarray, I don’t know what’s flying, I don’t know what will be, but I am in G-d’s hands. This is a process that for whatever reason I must go through. And with G-d’s help, I will get through it.

When in an Ayin state, it is not the time to be changing belief systems, or making important life choices. The ground you are standing on is too unstable for you to be able to think clearly. It would be sad – no, it would be tragic – if in your frustration you made choices that you will later regret, but not be able to reverse.

My friend, I offer no solutions to your predicament. But I offer you one piece of advice. Just hold on to G-d, the one thing that even in your nothingness you haven’t lost. You will get through this black hole and your life will be reborn. The seed is planted. Have faith, and your new tomorrow will blossom soon.